As evidenced early in the day, chakra misalignment can be the cause for much morning malaise and may end up exhibiting ruinous effects on the arc of your waking time. While you may be stocked up on herbal tea and natural remedies, the true path to balance is found amid the landscape of chakra work, which involves the embracing of mere bullshit for bullshit's sake. A cup of coffee won't connect you to your spiritual brethren or even act to adjust flaws in your muddled aura or unsymmetrical energy field, and may actually function in the worst of circumstances to banish you to the most ancient of Sumerian hells encapsulated by the image of a pit of stinking darkness.
To conscientiously avoid the punitive afterlives of ancient civilizations, one would do well to follow this simple recipe for chakra balance amid a world that is filled with mythological torments. In order to facilitate a plan of wellness, it is advisable to begin with meditations rooted in the groin chakra, which is the most important and oft-neglected sources of our vital, pick-me-up, day-to-day energy flows. To sufficiently achieve a blissful reckoning within the magical realm of the groin, it is currently necessary as dictated by the expertise of New Age gurus to balance an expensive designer cupcake upon your genitals. You may also, during this important venture, meditate on the image of a stray unicorn named Saul, who has journeyed to you as a spirit guide interested wholly in making certain that your designer cupcake remains perfectly stable upon your loins, while expecting nothing in return but the satisfaction of spectating with dewy eye the true beauty of a dessert item placed upon the generator of reproductive energies.
Where there is a method, there is also a reason. The cupcake, being particularly sweet, will transfer its saccharine nature directly into your groin. This has, in my experience, achieved dramatic effects, and is by far more preferable than the use of salt-based foods such as beef jerky or pretzels. As consequence of this technique, you will notice omens of benevolence scattered through out your day like cupcake sprinkles, importing their color and vivacity while reproducing in gay color.
Next, we turn to the third eye, or mind chakra. I like to call this one "Old Thoughty" in order to remember where my thoughts come from. You can name it something fun and endearing as well, and I may be as bold as to suggest such titles as "The Armchair of Western Scientific Discovery" or even "The Handmaiden To Imperialism." However, you may want to take into account the fact that New Agers never use their brains, thus leading you to name this chakra "The Great Burgeoning Useless" or even "Why People Think Crystals Hold Special Energies That Help With Healing." Really though, despite the cute and necessary names we may ascribe to this chakra, the path to its balance remains difficult and complex.
In order to balance the third-eye/mind chakra, you have to ultimately take into account The Law of Perfection, which is the title of my latest book, written while undertaking a dramatic and fun spiritual quest while using psilocybin in the city of Mogadishu. This law states that in order to enjoy life, that we must be maniacally and robotically perfect in every task we perform, no matter how large or small. And in order to balance the mind chakra, this perfection must reach levels unknown to even the obsessive-compulsive. Consider for example, the act of brushing your teeth. If you do it haphazardly, albeit with vigor, evil spirits will flood the crenelations of your mind chakra, as dental hygiene acts as a known gateway for manifestations of darkness. You must consciously rotate the bristles of your toothbrush first in a counter-clockwise direction over each individual tooth before making a little "Z" for Zoroaster on the pearly white, and only in this order, as is the proper way. I have seen firsthand the arrogance of people who have refused to buy my book be met with lifelong demonic possession due to their lackadaisical teeth-brushing lifestyles, and it is my truest hope that you may avoid this by following the spiritually empirical method.
But yet, it is important that you remain vigilant in your following of The Law of Perfection, not only for the sake of balancing your chakra, but also for the sake of being liked as a human being. Needless to say, but nobody likes a person in the office who cannot consistently land freethrows of wastepaper into the trashcan, nor do we admire those who may inefficiently place a water glass on a table in such a position that it negates the capacity for optimum drinkability.
Lastly and most importantly is the wallet chakra. While you may have heard of other chakras, I can assure you that they do not exist, as empirical evidence has not bore them out, and it is my heartfelt belief that their existence is created by false gurus with manipulative tendencies who wish to squeeze money out of the gullible by instilling an illusive sense of purpose into otherwise meaningless lives. That being said, it is the wallet chakra that is the source of all human love and affection. This is a fact born out of personal experience, as evidenced by the fact that a Ketamine addicted veterinarian did not want to make out with me behind the animal-medical dumpster until I bought her a set of matching refrigerators. In order to balance the wallet chakra, one must not only be a natural expert at the game of Monopoly, but must also take the time to be a good-looking and successful person with a great personality who has made all the correct career moves at the proper time. The wallet chakra is also perhaps the most suitably New Age, being that the philosophy of love and spiritual understanding can only be participated in within the framework of a consumerist economy that allows people to buy commodified indigenous beliefs bolstered by frilly and feel-good sentimentality worthy of the imaginings of LSD babies. As you can see, it is invariably important that your wallet chakra maintains levels of exceptional energy, especially in order that you may buy my new book entitled "People Suffer Because They Deserve It." That being said, I sincerely hope that you are a handsome social ladder climber invested with a wealth of inner gold, because suffice to say, otherwise you're fucked.
I hope my words have invested in you the necessary secret knowledge for achieving an easy and uncomplicated day. I would have more to say to you, however it is imperative for the purposes of research and universal harmony that I cloister myself in a golden casket for the purpose of playing with my own supple vibrations.
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