One has only to look at the boarded-up shops, empty schools, and understaffed hospitals to bear witness to the havoc caused by rampant astral projection . In the past year, rates of astral disappearances have skyrocketed, indicating that people are leaving their bodies and simply not returning to them.
The first exodus of soulbodies, it appears, was accidental. Exhausted by the demands of modern life, working class Americans, who frequently found themselves in defeated postures of repose, discovered that by simply relaxing their bellybuttons and allowing their mouths to fall open slackly, they could free the essence of their consciousness. One of the first people to experience this in Peoria, Illinois was Mr. James Whittey, who was a bricklayer by trade, until he discovered the joys of astral projection. He returned to his body only long enough to speak briefly with us, explaining that his dreambody was going to a Bruce Springsteen concert that evening.
“It was the darnedest thing,” Mr. Whittey explains, “I’d gotten off of work and was pretty beat. So, I was just sitting there in my chair and I got to scratchin’ my belly a little. I scratch myself a lot, but I never felt the feeling that I started to feel around my bellybutton. I didn’t know it at the time, but my astral umbilicus was awakening.”
“At first, I didn’t know what was happening, I thought maybe I’d better go microwave a burrito or have a beer, but when I went to get up from my chair, I just sort of floated up and I saw myself sitting there and my mouth was hanging open and I thought, ‘Well, I reckon I’m dead’ and, you know, thinking back, I wasn’t too sad about that.”
Like Mr. Whittey, many people who experience satisfying out-of-body experiences are reluctant to return to their human bodies. Studies show that the elderly, disabled, and stereotypically ugly are far more likely to leave their bodies more or less permanently. Once a soul becomes a "runaway" their bodies become "vacancies". It is estimated that millions have burdened their families with the fleshy husks they've left behind. Assisted living facilities are becoming crowded with vacancies and care of these cases can be quite complicated.
Rhonda Little, a CNA at Fair Oaks Home in suburban Chicago, explains that it is very difficult to keep the vacancies safe. "Oh, it's not like they do much of anything, but you know, they're vacant and so any old soul could just slip in and, boom, take over. Why just last month, old Mr. Hankins was inhabited by what appeared to be the soul of a crack whore. He just walked up and down the halls, trying the doorknobs and hollering out to people. We didn't know what to tell his family, when they came to visit on Sunday and he sat on his son's lap, started feeling around for his wallet. Of course, the families know that this happens sometimes and they are very understanding."
The challenge of keeping vacancies safe has proved too much for some families and there has been a dramatic increase in the number of people being left sitting beside the highway. It is now a common sight to see the soulless bodies of people propped against one another in city parks and highway medians. One woman, who would like to remain anonymous, tells of the heartwrenching decision to leave her 23-year old son at an interstate rest stop. "We just didn't know what to do with him anymore. He just sat and stared at us and at first we thought he'd gone schizophrenic..." The woman goes on to explain that they didn't fully understand until they found the books on astral projection under the young man's bed.
Donnegal Dougan, author of one of those books, Astral, Cheap, and Easy, is currently in settlement negotiations in a lawsuit brought about a family whose daughter "just disappeared" after reading the book.
"This is why," Mr. Dougan explains, "there is a warning at the front of the book. It clearly states that: In this age of the soul traveller, we must heed the warning of our dreambody forebearers and cling always to the silken cord that draws us home."
"The effect of astral projection on the American economy has been devastating," says chief financial analyst of the New York Times, Bill Briggins. "Why, I haven't gotten paid in a month because that dimwit in payroll decided to astrally project herself to the Justin Bieber concert and got all caught up in that mess!"
The mess that Mr. Briggins is referring to is the astral cloud that has been following Justin Bieber for the past month and a half. "The dense concentration of souls around Mr. Bieber's head is actually impairing his cell phone reception. However, the prismatic effect of dreambody refraction has created a halo of rainbow light that surrounds Mr. Bieber at all times. We are trying to be sensitive to the aura and Justin is working on a new song, called You're My Dreambody."
Ticket sales to his concerts, however, are down. The entertainment and travel industries have started a campaign in response to the skyrocketing rates of astral piracy of experiences that were once privileges of the rich and famous. "Ticket sales have been way down," says Super Bowl marketing manager Tom Slatton. "I mean really, though - who can blame them...I'll tell you who. God. It is the position of the leading executives that those who go against God and country by astrally projecting themselves to dream vacations and VIP events are going to have their cords cut at the gates of Heaven and they will plummet down to Hell...to Hell! They will plummet to Hell!"
Aside from the strong messaging being offered by the entertainment industry, there has been little response from world religious leaders. The official statement made by the Vatican reads as follows, "We do not believe that one's soul can project, because one's soul is held by God and by God alone." There has been no statement made regarding the mounting evidence that the Pope himself may have left his withered vessel. Reports have been made that during formal Mass, the Pope has just been seated in an ornate chair to the right of the cross and has, once, slumped to the side and had to be repositioned by the Bishop.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
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