I've got a bone to pick with the mummified ruins of ancient civilizations. I'm certain that many of you out there harbor similar sentiments, and are loathe to express them due to current conceptions of what constitutes "politically correct" speech. I write this in the spirit of refreshing honesty, as things have certainly reached a boiling point in this nation in regards to the taboo subject of race, and it is my belief that these words will spark true change for the better.
America, as those Scythian-loving liberals are wont to call it, is a "melting pot" of different cultures and races. I would say that America is indeed a pot, but that it is rather melting in a chaotic furnace whose flames have been stoked by unacceptable tensions caused mainly by Babylonian immigrants and Sumerian ne'er-do-wells who have taken advantage of our great nation's open policy of acceptance and sullied the great spirit on which our country rests upon with open appeals to harmfully coddling policy measures such as Visigoth affirmative action and free health insurance for low-income Phoenicians. This, my friends, cannot stand. We can no longer pander to the adz-makers and spear-throwers of society who openly detest all that is modern about America, and I urge the government to quit offering welfare to Etruscans who come here just to live off the fat of our hard-earned tax dollars while contributing nothing but hordes of their own progeny who make our public schools dangerous and who have made the streets of the inner city unsafe with recent explosions in the number of reported drive-by-slingings.
But yet, the poor and under-civilized peoples of yesterday are not the only threat to American prosperity. Time and time again, I have heard with marked anger about the nefarious dealings of the Assyrian bankers, who only support their own while foisting foreclosures on earnest citizens like you and me. We could perhaps overcome this through collective and righteous action were it not for the lies of the Byzantine-run media, which has kept us invariably divided in the fight to oust the scourge of archaically-inclined foreign hordes who belong not in this great and vast land of opportunity, but rather in its overlooked history books. Ideally, however, I would have these people placed not in historical documentation, which our children are known to avidly consume, but rather would cast them into the hallways of dependable American amnesia, where they would languish and be forgotten by antediluvian minds who only wish to get through their day without having to hear from some Indus Valley scumbag about how his people were the first to domesticate sheep.
On the subject of history books, I read with ample horror the passages on these parasites in my child's school text, which is nothing but lurid propaganda designed to credit useless Mesopotamians with inventions and accomplishments that in reality, were far beyond the capabilities of their worm-infested brains. To read that the sickening Sumerian fruit vendor who rips you off on grapes had something to do with the creation of the wheel AND writing is really too much for any red-blooded American to stomach, and let it be said that any mention of the Peloponnesians is enough to make the most jaded and iron-stomached among us vomit in disgust. Don't even get me started on the Ptolemaics, the Spartans, or the Cretans, who I whole-heartedly believe are responsible for the souring of our precious young minds with deviant considerations of empire expansion.
It is time that we set our most brilliant scientific minds to work on a time machine that would send these plagues of society back to the time-periods from which they rightfully came, so that we may effectively put the past behind us without having to give a shit about who invented agriculture or algebra, so that we may never have to witness primitively dyed clothing, and so that we may breathe free and easy in a utopia that lives in the present amid fantastical modern achievements such as Crocs and the neutron bomb. This is to say emphatically that the whore of history has seduced its last young mind, and that we will no longer tolerate the opinions of the people who first formed democracy or who formulated rudimentary concepts of exchange value in a surplus-based economy. America is first and foremost about progress, symbolized by great recent achievements such as engagements in two endless foreign wars, corporate psychopathy, along with boasting both the highest infant mortality rate and largest prison population in the industrialized world. It is time we deported troublemakers and got back to the time-honored traditions of giving marijuana offenders disproportionate punishments and allowing our government to murder people with the death penalty, while insuring that the under-educated are well-armed within the scope of the Constitution and that public discourse centers around celebrity scandals. It is high time we availed ourselves of trash from the past, and centered our attention once again towards developing piratical economic policies while wrecking the environment, so that our grandchildren may know a drab wasteland free of the influence of polar bears and equality.
America must move forward. So get out there and smash some cuneiform tablets in the spirit of patriotism, break some amphorae, and blow up some Egyptian obelisks. Hang a sign that says "Koine Greek not spoken here," refuse to wear sandals, and above all, never barter.
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